“Givers need to set limits because takers rarely do.”
Anyway, I heard it for the first time today while listening to Episode 188 of the Scummy Mummies podcast, the one with Psychotherapist Anna Mathur. If you haven’t already done so, give it a listen. They joked Anna should have charged them for her services at the end of the episode but in all honestly it did feel like an amazing therapy session. I had so many “a-ha!” moments listening to this and the givers and takers part was just one of them.
It’s come to my attention in recent years that I’m a giver, and a people pleaser. I care about what people think, I worry if I’m liked or not. There’s a quote from Pride & Prejudice where Elizabeth says about Mr Darcy, “I cannot bear to think that he is alive in the world and thinking ill of me.”
I’m the same. I like to be liked. I like to make people happy and make them laugh. I like to put others first and be the one people can rely on. Trouble is, you can’t be that person for everyone and you just end up being none of those things.
I thought when I became a mum it would change. I’d become “mama bear” and stand my ground. If anything it got a bit worse but maybe that has something to do with hormones, exhaustion and this overwhelming feeling of “not doing it right”. Confidence took a knock and my ability to say how I really felt.
People who know me might be surprised by this. I don’t show vulnerability well and the tendency to say yes when I want to say no is as much as “no I can do it, I’ll sort it out” mentality as well as that fear of pissing someone off.
But if you do say no. If you do say, no I can’t meet you then. No I can’t bake that cake for you. No I can’t drive you there. What’s the worse that’ll happen? Maybe they’ll be pissed off for a bit but if they love you they’ll get over it. Maybe they’ll push you a bit more so you have to stand your ground a little harder or maybe they’ll shrug their shoulders and say ok no worries.
I’m not saying you don’t ever have to do anything you don’t want to. Of course you do, that’s part of adulting and parenting. I don’t want to be fishing toddler shit out of the bath for the seventeenth time but I have to, and that’s life.
I’m not a push over though, I’m not desperate for love because I know I am loved and do love. I can be forthright and I can be selfish but I can also be hugely sensitive in certain circumstances and with certain types of people.
So that idea of setting limits, setting boundaries really struck a chord. It made me realise that I should recognise the value of my yes and make sure others do too.
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